Relena's Attempted Canceled Suicide
by rjones2818
Summary: Relena attempts, then tries to cancel her suicide. What happens when the G-Boiz arrive to save her? Rated for Yaoi (1x2, 3+4 both not explicit), language and Relena Hanging.


Relena's Attempted Canceled Suicide.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own GW. I'm doing this for fun...sort of.  
  
-Begin Story-  
  
"Damn" Relena Peacecraft thought to herself. "Now just how am I going to get my self out of this one?"  
  
To anyone who looked at Ms Peacecraft at just this moment, it would look as if she were getting ready to commit suicide. A rope had been tied to a chandelier, with a noose hanging down from it. Relena, ever being the good planner, had placed her head inside of the noose and had tightened it enough so that it would not come off when she jumped off of the stool she was standing on. Her balance on the stool was not the best, as she had bound her legs together with a whole role of duct tape, except for the amount she had encircled her mouth with (3 times around, for she didn't want to wake any of her employees so that they could keep her from doing the deed). In fact, here balance was helped even less by the fact that she had managed to, just moments before, handcuff her arms behind her. Yes, to even the trained observer, it looked as if Relena Peacecraft was about to end it all.  
  
Why, might you ask, would Relena wish to end her life? Well, it seems, as it often does in the GW fanfic world, that she had found out that Heero really didn't love her. What was worse, it seemed that, as often happens in said GW fanfic world, that he was in love with the one person she couldn't live with him being in love with: That street urchin, uncouth, loudmouth, unkempt, low born, white trash, smarmy, swishy, smart ass wiseacre of a bakka Duo Maxwell (whew!). What was even worse, she had found out by seeing the two pilots engaged in 'It'. The straw that broke the camels back (sorry Quatre) was the fact that Heero was the one who had his legs up over his head and was squealing like, well, Quatre when he gets done by Trowa. How could a well-born straight girl like her face such humiliation, especially since Heero and Duo were engaged in 'It' in the middle of the ballroom full of guests that were there, ostensibly, to hear her announcement of her engagement to Heero (she had, of course, failed to mention this to Heero at the time she had sent him his invitation). Relena had ran off in a huff and gathered the items needed for her to hang herself After Pagen had driven her back to Sanc Castle, she ran to her room and managed to get herself in the position she was currently in.  
  
Of course, she had just changed her mind. After all, what would a girl like her want with a faggot husband who didn't talk? He might be ok for large parties (Heero, after all, would be considered a trophy husband by any well-bred woman). And he might even be able to manage to produce an heir with her (even if it were by the turkey baster method). But how could she possibly marry a man who was in love with that street urchin, uncouth, loudmouth, unkempt, low born, white trash, smarmy, swishy, smart ass wiseacre of a bakka Duo Maxwell? Certainly not her! Now the only problem was how to get down from her precarious situation without actually killing herself?  
  
Relena had just managed to raise her arms above her head, and yes, it was painful, in the hopes of managing to loosen the noose so she could remove it, when the door to her room flew open and she hear Duo's voice yell out "We'll save you, Relena." It seems that Pagen, having seen all of the items Relena had taken with her to her room, had deduced what was about to happen and had called the G-boiz (minus Wufei, who at that moment was tied up with Treize). Pagen, being a gentleman (of course) had driven over to the ballroom, waited patiently for the young lovers to finish 'It' (which they received a standing ovation for, by the way) and finding Quatre and Trowa (who had just started the process of making Quatre squeal, which took another half-hour to finish. Pagen had then driven the boiz back to Sanc Castle and they arrived just in time to save Relena.  
  
Except...  
  
The door, when it was slammed open by Duo, had hit the stool. Relena, of course, lost her balance. As fate would have it, she had not made the slack in the noose long enough to quite break her neck in the fall. In fact, the noose was only tight enough to slowly strangle her. The boiz didn't notice this, as the all were shouting "We'll save you, Relena" and other such trite sayings as the entered the room, thus drowning out the sound of Relena's falling and hanging (though, not killing immediately) herself.  
  
Relena heard a light switch click and a "Damn, the light doesn't work. Is there a flashlight around, Pagen?" from Heero. She cursed at herself for hanging herself from the only lighting instrument in the room (the only room, in fact, in Sanc Castle that had only one lighting instrument).  
  
"I do believe we have one in the kitchen, sir. I'll go fetch it." Pagen left the room with Relena again cursing herself, for the kitchen was three floors down and Pagen wasn't a fast climber.  
  
"Well, it certainly seems like we're too late. Relena's dead." Trowa shook his head sadly. Relena eeped, but it didn't get to the ears of the boiz, as she didn't have much air left and there was duct tape covering her mouth.  
  
"Right my love," Quatre said "and it seems like it's been a bit. She's even beginning to smell like she's dead. Well, that or there's a dead fish in the room." Relena cursed herself again, for after self-pleasuring herself that afternoon, she had decided not to shower, for she thought that Heero would ravish her after their engagement announcement and would enjoy the full scent of her femaleness. Heero, of course, after getting a whiff of what he assumed was Relena's death stench, had raced to the nearest wastebasket to yak.  
  
Relena, although it was her fault, took offense to Quatre's remark. She used the last of her ebbing strength to push (with her bound feet) Duo, who was standing in front of her, into the smart alec young Arabian. Unfortunately for the Queen of Pink, Quatre was skittish in the dark, as well as a black belt in Muy Thai Kickboxing. Cat spun a wickedly powerful back heel kick at his 'attacker.' Duo, knowing that this was Q's usual response in this situation had fallen immediately to the ground, leaving nothing but Relena's Solar Plexus to receive the brunt of the blow. Relena lost the last bit of air in her and felt her neck snap from the power of the kick. The last thing she hear was Quatre saying "Oh my god, I'm sorry, Duo. And I hope Relena wasn't still alive, 'cause she'll be dead now!" And with that, life left Relena Peacecraft.  
  
At that very moment, Pagen returned, carrying a lit Coleman Lantern which he had remembered was in the hall closet next to the room they were in. With the room somewhat properly lit, the boiz and butler looked at the corpse hanging from the chandelier.   
  
"Man, it doesn't even look like Rigor's set in yet." Duo Maxwell, who was now standing mused "I wonder if she really was alive."  
  
"You mean I might have actually killed her, Duo?" was the almost prideful sounding question from Quatre.  
  
"Well, if you did, it's for the best, little one." Trowa walked over to his love and kissed him lightly. "If she had survived that long, she would've certainly been at least a paraplegic for the rest of her life, and I can't imagine her wanting that, the selfish bitch."  
  
Heero, who by now had finished hurling his dinner, had found several pool cue sticks and handed one to each of the 4 gentlemen in the room. "Since she's dead, why don't we play 'Relena the Pinata? Pagen, you may take the first swing."  
  
Pagen, realizing that he really did hate the Pink Bitch from Hell, swung mightily and cracked open Relena's skull, sending brain matter flying throughout the room. The elderly gentleman's gentleman mused "Gosh, I guess I don't know my own strength!"  
  
Once the rollicking laughter had died down, each of the boiz took their best shots at the twisting carcass of Relena Peacecraft, the now most certainly dead ex-ruler of the Sanc Kingdom.  
  
-End Story- 


End file.
